One Day At A Time
by AshesIntoFlames
Summary: I hear the glass door slide open and I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to look at her, I don’t want to see yet another girl that just doesn’t quite measure up. So, I keep them closed. I squeeze them shut with even more force.
1. Thinking of You

So, I'm back. It's a little sooner than I thought I would be posting another story but I'm not really complaining about inspiration. I don't know how often I'll update, but I'll try not to let more than two weeks get between chapters. This story is very much different from my last, it's more traditionally Spashley. I hope that you all enjoy this story and hopefully there'll be reviews. One more thing, the idea of this story sprung from the Katy Perry song "Thinking of You," if you have yet to hear it, I suggest going to youtube or just looking at the lyrics. So, here goes nothing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch. I'm not sure how this rating thing goes, but there is a small part of this chapter that gets a little PG-13, it's not explicit but I'm warning anyway.

**Thinking of You**

The water is warm when it hits my skin. It falls down my back, soothing the small aches and pains along the way. It washes over me, cleansing me. I lower my head and let it massage away the tension in my shoulders, but somehow it doesn't seem to do much for them. I hear the door to the bathroom open and immediately regret not locking it. I close my eyes and hope that I somehow disappear before she realizes I'm in here. Of course, it doesn't work, the universe is never on my side. I hear the glass door slide open and I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to look at her, I don't want to see yet another girl that just doesn't quite measure up. I don't want to be met with yet another one who can only be second best. So, I keep them closed. I squeeze them shut with even more force. I can feel her wrapping her arms around me and I want to recoil at the touch but I don't. She kisses my neck and it's not as soft, not as perfect. I feel her smile into my skin and I have the urge to run. It shouldn't be her. It shouldn't be this girl that gets to touch me and kiss me when such luxuries were promised to someone else. But I stay there, I stay rooted to the spot that I'm in because I have no other choice. Because these things no longer seem precious. They're no longer things of passion but things of necessity. When her hand begins to travel down my stomach, I don't object. I picture natural blond hair pressed to my back rather than the bleached blonde I know to be there. I see perfect blue eyes with the ability to completely overwhelm me rather than the pale blue that'll never measure up. I imagine a different set of fingers inside me. Another pair of hands, an entirely different body eliciting the moans coming from my lips. And as I fall over the edge, my body trembling enough to need her to hold me steady, I don't feel as satisfied. I know that no amount of fantasizing will make the girl turning me to face her, kissing me with her not as soft lips, the one I long to be with.

I walk out of the shower and face the mirror. I see evidence of her passion imprinted on my skin and I wish them away. I try to wish away any trace that she had been apart of me, any mark that could tie me to the one filling the void. I sigh because I know I won't rid myself of them or her. These things just prove how far I've strayed from the original plan. I turn my back on my reflection. I can't stand to look at myself any longer. I can't stand to further examine the consequences of the decisions I've made, so I turn and walk away. I walk away from the woman I no longer recognize, the woman that stares blankly at me begging for me to make a change, to do something so drastic that it'll shake me out of this pathetic state I'm in. But every time I see her, even if it's just a glimpse, I walk away. I can't face the pleading in her eyes because there's nothing I can do for her. These decisions are out of my hands, out of my control. I walk into my bedroom silently. I go straight to my drawers and begin to dress quickly. I don't bother putting much thought into the outfit I've chosen. They all blend together now. When I hear the water turn off in the bathroom, I attempt to ease the tension rising inside me. It doesn't work. It never works. When she walks into the room, not bothering with the towel, I try to hide the look of disgust that I know has taken over my face. She doesn't notice, she never does. She doesn't feel it when I stiffen at her touch, or that I don't return her kiss with the same fervor. She doesn't notice when I moan out the wrong name when she's kissing down my neck, ready and willing to elevate the sexual tension I feel. She doesn't care that I barely hide how often I notice her inadequacies or that I acknowledge them without thinking. She just keeps pushing her way into my life and pulling me toward her, never quite reaching close enough for her to pull me near her.

I leave the room when I realize that she plans on taking her time dressing. I go to the kitchen and grab one way of escaping. I pop the top off that beer and take a seat on the couch. I turn the TV on and turn the volume up, hoping to drown out the noise I can hear emanating from that room. She finally leaves the room, dressed in a suit that would fit someone else more perfectly, that she doesn't do justice. As she goes around the loft, gathering her things I take note of the time. Once everything's found and tucked safely away in her briefcase, I know it's nearing her departure and I will finally be able to breathe. She walks over to where I'm seated and kisses my forehead.

"Try not to stay on that couch all day, okay?"

I nod my head. I reserve speaking to when it's necessary. I don't do it leisurely, only out of necessity.

"I'll see you after work. I love you."

I want to ignore her last three words. I want to pretend I didn't hear them because it hurts me too much to do so. It hurts too much to realize how one-sided this relationship is, how much I'm willing to string her along simply for my selfish reasons. My mouth is dry when I open it with my reply. It won't wrap its way around those three words. It can't, not for her. So, I go with the standby. I give her that tiny piece she begs for whenever she forces those words into our space. "Me too."

She looks at me for a moment, and in that instant I think she'll question me, that finally she sees that enough is enough. But she doesn't, she doesn't question why in the year we've been together I never once looked at her with love or adoration, why I have never uttered the words I love you back. I'm grateful when she just leaves the room and heads off to work. I thank whomever responsible for her cowardice, because I know what words would have been spoken. I know the truths that would have been brought to light. I wouldn't have hesitated in giving her an honest answer to every question she may have wanted to ask. Maybe it's the little compassion I have for her that keeps me from releasing these words out of spite, keeps me from inflicting any more pain than I already am, keeps me from blaming her for all that I don't have, because really, I only have myself to blame for it.

I stare at the clock on the wall. I watch as time slowly ticks by me. I wait for the hour, in which, I can flee. The time when I can leave this dreaded place and go to something better, even if it's just for a few hours.

The phone rings behind me. I consider not getting it, wondering if she'd forgotten something and is calling to have me take it to her, but then I think about the other possibilities surrounding the ring and go pick it up.

"Did Kelly leave already?" I smile when I realize that the voice on the other end is not hers.

"Yeah," I roll my eyes at this unnecessary precaution.

"Okay, I'm at the door."

I put the phone down and go to let her in. We both take a seat on the couch watching the images flashing across the screen.

"Do you really have to do all that Kyla?" I ask her amusement evident in my voice.

"Yes, yes I do." I begin to laugh as she gives me a look that instantly shuts me up.

"It's not funny Ashley."

"Yeah it is."

"No it's not." She says this sternly and without hesitance.

"Come on, you have to admit it's just a little amusing."

She rolls her eyes at me and opts instead for a topic change. "Are you meeting us at Ego tonight?"

"Yeah," After thinking about it for a moment, I add on. "Do you want me to call you before hand so you can duck out before Kelly gets there?" I smile to myself and the look of annoyance she gives me only causes me to smile wider.

"I'm leaving."

As she makes her way out the door I yell out to her. "I'll see you tonight."


	2. I Miss You

So, I'm back with an update and it's pretty long. I want to thank all of you reading and especially those of you leaving me reviews, it really spurs my writing. I'm glad that you all enjoyed the first chapter, and I hope you continue to enjoy the chapters to come.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**I Miss You**

I sigh heavily as I take a seat at the bar, the beer in the bottle held in my hands empty within minutes of ordering it. I wait for the bartender to remove himself from the redhead at the end of the bar to offer me up another liquid escape. I don't rush him, I revel in this feeling of aloneness that I never feel under Kelly's suffocating presence. I wait as he takes his time in walking over my way, I take my time in asking him for another helping. As he turns around grabbing hold of my request and sliding it on the bar in front of me, I take the opportunity to breathe. I breathe in so deeply I wonder when last it was that my lungs felt so free to move, so able to regulate themselves without me having to tell them to do so. Then I remember, this morning. Once she was gone, taking her constrictive nature with her, they expanded and retracted as if they were meant to. I grab the bottle from the bar's counter top and lift myself from the barstool. I take one last deep breath, hoping it will last me until I make another escape. I look at the table awaiting me as I make my way from the bar. I try not to let the frown so ready to take over my face show as my eyes land on Kelly. I try to focus my attention on the two other occupants at that table. I try to focus on the reason for my being there. But, somehow Kyla and Glen can't hold my attention for long, because all too soon my attention, once again, falls on my dread. And I wonder why I invited her. I wonder why I'm even still with her when she makes me feel nothing but empty.

I hear a shriek come from behind me and I smile. I welcome it, because this shriek, this unbelievably welcome intrusion into my personal life means a delay in my arrival. It means it's that much longer before I have to face that table and the one person I can't be around yet can't remove from my life. So, I face the intrusion. I face the eager girl and her too skinny of a male companion. I face this rare occurrence of fan girl behavior in this city of overly present celebrities.

"Oh. My. God. You're Ashley Davies!"

I smile. I smile the most genuine smile I possess because she doesn't know how grateful I am for her intrusion. She doesn't get how thankful I feel.

"I love you. I-I just love you!" She's smiling wider than I've seen anyone smile lately and that makes me feel good, makes me feel special.

"Thank you," The words leave my lips and she's already fumbling in her purse for a camera. She's pulling out a little hot pink digital camera and shyly looking from me to it.

"Do…do you mind?" She asks pointing to the device in her hands. She asks it so unsurely that it causes me to smile.

"Sure," With another scream of excitement escaping her lips, she hands the camera to her friend and moves beside me, smiling wide and facing the camera. I smile too and with a flash, the picture is taken. A moment is savored and she is beyond overjoyed.

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

"No problem."

She disappears in the crowd and just like that my moment of distraction is over. And nothing is holding me from making my way to that table. I take a big gulp of my beer and start walking. I can see Kyla's eyes light up the closer I get, I see her smile widen. I know she's grateful for the distraction from the awkwardness she always feels when left alone with Kelly. I reach the table and take the seat that was formerly mine, the seat beside the girl I call a girlfriend, the girl whose breathing is starting to work my nerves.

"How does that not get old?" It's Glen who says this, he looks directly at me and for just a second I'm not sure what he's referring to.

"What?" I hold my breath. Surely he wouldn't, not here, not with the knowledge he holds, and the body so close to mine listening eagerly.

"The fans and the picture taking."

I breathe a sigh of relief, and although from the outside looking in it appears normal, it feels strained and uncomfortable. I feel like I'm just a few moments away from gasping for air but I know nothing could be further from the truth. "I don't know. I guess I never really got used to it."

And we're all silent again. We're all sitting in this awkwardness because there's nothing else to say. What else could we say to make this comfortable? To make the knowing eyes sitting across from me, staring at me, questioning the relationship I'm in, with the very girl beside me, less intense? So, instead, we do what we can. We allow the loudest silence to take over this table, take us over.

It's after ten minutes of this deafening quiet that Kelly leans over. Leans and whispers into my ear. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." I nod. That's all I can do because there are no words I have for her. We all release a collective breath as we watch her walk away, easing into a sense of comfort.

Suddenly my heart rate picks up. I feel it drumming in my ears and can count as every beat is amplified. A rush of overwhelming heat takes over my body and briefly I wonder if the temperature was altered. But, the realization dawns on me. It hits me like a ton of bricks, because there's only one person that can completely overwhelm me in this way. Only one body that causes my senses to go into overdrive. As I lift my gaze and find myself looking into blue eyes that consume my every waking thought, the beautiful blonde hair I long to run my fingers through, and the lips I can always somehow feel against mine, my breath catches in my throat. It halts its travel to my suddenly starving lungs and holds there. She walks directly towards us, no hesitation in her step, just fluid motion, and I wonder if she knows the effect she still has on me.

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late." She smiles at the table as she pulls up a chair and takes a seat on Kyla's other side. She even manages to throw a genuine smile my way, which I can't quite return, because there are hands sliding across my shoulders and a body taking a seat beside me, and lips, lips that aren't the ones I want, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

She turns to face this intruder, this person that has infiltrated into this circle, because of me, and gives her a smile as well. A smile, yes, but not one that reaches her eyes, because behind that all too pleasant exterior is a hurt and betrayal personified. "Hey Kelly." It's said with such fake cheerfulness that I wonder how she can muster it when I, almost always, fail to do so. She perfects these pleasantries when her disdain for this poorly constructed attempt at a copy of her is so overtly obvious to me.

"Spencer." And there it is. There is that defensive, protective tone emanating from this girl that doesn't deserve to use it. Because, it's in these situations that her natural oblivious nature is non-existent. It is in the times that she sees me with Spencer, sees me look at her in a way she has never received that she knows how much of my heart Spencer holds, how much of me will always be with my dream girl, and could never be given to her.

Kyla clears her throat. She intervenes in this moment and I'm so grateful. "So, who wants another drink?" We all give her an obligatory nod and she waves down a waitress and orders up another round. "So, Spence, how's the gallery."

I smile as her eyes light up at my sister's thoughtfulness. I watch her lips as they form every word, giving her my whole, undivided attention. I don't care that I can feel Kelly burning holes into the side of my face with the intensity of her stare, because at this moment, nothing else matters, nothing can compete with the words coming from Spencer's mouth. "…so I'm putting a few pieces up too. I figured what the hell, you know?"

I don't say a word. I don't tell her how proud I am of her. I don't make a big production of this monumental step for her, because there's a hand, attached to a body that's holding me back. There's a firm squeeze to my knee that keeps me from speaking my thoughts. I know what she's doing, she's putting on this show, she's playing this role expertly to ensure that Spencer knows. She craves for Spencer to see that I no longer belong to her, but the truth is, I could never belong to someone else. I could never, touch, kiss, love someone in the same way that I do with Spencer. And, as she leans to whisper in my ear, asking for a dance, I follow her. I follower her, because maybe, just maybe I can no longer be in that place. I can't sit there, facing all that I want, all that I've ever wanted, and have myself attached to someone else, so I leave. I get up and follow that hand that's pulling me.

We get to the dance floor and are immediately squished between the masses of people. There's a song I don't bother trying to recognize blasting from the speakers. She positions herself in front of me and begins to move to the beat of the music, pulling me in closer and closer. She's finding herself lost in this movement, grinding against me and I am so far removed that I follow her gyrations rigidly. I'm, instead, staring at the girl sitting at the table Kelly stopped in clear view of. I'm watching her as she looks over at me. I watch her stare at me, taking in this position I am in and immediately recognizing the look in my eyes, knowing without question where I'd rather be and with whom, and for a moment, just a moment, I think I see the same reflected in her eyes, but maybe that was just my imagination. Kelly turns to face me, kisses my lips and I allow her to, allow her to take my lips in between her own and all I can do is watch the hurt look that flashes across Spencer's face before she gets up from the table and walks away.

Watching her go I get the urge to follow her. Because I have to explain. I have to make it right. I have to take away that little glimpse of hurt she allowed me to see. I pull away. I take back the lips that were never hers to claim in the first place. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." Looking into her eyes, I know she doesn't believe me. I know she can see that I'm going after someone, someone her kiss drove away. But I don't have the time or care to explain myself. I just walk away before she even tries to challenge me.

I push the bathroom door open and find Spencer standing there, hands on either side of the sink, staring into the mirror at her reflection. She doesn't turn to look at me, she lessens the blow by looking through the mirror at me.

I attempt a smile but it's strained. "Hey."

She sighs and turns to face me crossing her arms over her chest, a feeble smile spreading across her face. "Hey."

And with that I breathe. I breathe so easily that it astounds me. "Look, I'm sorry about-"

She cuts me off with a raise of her hand. "You don't have to apologize for kissing your own girlfriend, Ash."

And it only takes the use of that nickname to make me want her more than I have for so long now. An abbreviation that has been uttered in our most intimate of interactions. Said between lingering kisses and traveling hands. "Then why do I feel like I should?" It's an unfair question. I know that, I know that there's no possible way that she can answer it but I ask anyway, because a part of me needs to know, a part of me begs for it.

"I don't know." She lowers her head, her eyes resting on the floor instead of me, her hair falling in front of her face, almost shielding it from me entirely and that causes me to take a step towards her, to move closer to her.

My hand comes up without permission. It invades her personal space, lifting her chin up bringing her eyes to meet mine and pushing the hair, that once covered her face, behind her ear. "Spence-"

"Don't." It comes out weak, fragile. It stops me from what I had intended to do. It stops my lips from meeting hers, completely halted the advance she knew was coming. Her eyes beg me not to go there, pleads for me to back away and allow her to breathe once again, but as I cup her face, my thumb grazing back and forth on her smooth skin, her eyes close. Her eyes close and she leans into my touch, and just like that I know that she wants me to, that she longs to have our lips connected in a way that they haven't been in way too long. So, I go for it. I pull her face towards mine, ready to embrace this feeling again, ready for it to be a thing of passion as it was once. And just as my lips are about to meet with her own, her phone rings. Her phone crashes into us, throwing us apart. Her blaringly loud phone interrupts our moment and I curse the universe. I damn its need to completely go against everything it knows I want.

I take a step back as she answers the phone, as she breathes the name I dread to hear, and I think she knows it because she averts her eyes, she looks anywhere but me. She knows how it breaks me to hear her address this other so affectionately. She knows all too well how much damage is done with just the mere mention of this girl, the girl that gets to have Spencer, my Spencer, and suddenly I remember why I invited Kelly, I remember why I'm still with her.

I look away from her. I can't see the smile that's taken her face. I can't let her see the tears beginning to fill my eyes because it'll hurt her too. It would break her and I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt her more than I already have, because maybe she can't take anymore. But when the tears fall, she knows. She sees their descent and she knows their cause.

"Hey Stace, I'll call you back okay?" She stares at me as each word leaves her lips but I can't meet her eyes. I try to focus on anything else as my weakness becomes so evident in this space but I know there's no avoiding her. "Okay, bye."

She attempts a smile and takes a step towards my shaking form, the tears no longer holding back. I shake my head, letting her know that I don't want her to touch me right now, I can't have her touch me, it'll only break me further. "I just need a minute." So, she gives it to me. She sighs and walks out of that bathroom and into the mass of people at Ego, so that I can pull myself together.

I wipe away the tears that had taken over my face and look at myself in the mirror. I see those blank eyes again, only this time a little reddened and I have to look away. I'm already too close to a breakdown to face the woman reflected back at me head on.

After taking a deep breath, I walk out of the bathroom and push my way to the table. I get there and take my seat beside a fuming Kelly, but I don't care because Spencer's not looking at me, she's avoiding me at all costs and I sigh. I survey our table, taking note of the look on Glen's face as he looks at Kyla, bringing their intertwined hands to his lips, kissing them before lowering it, I wonder if things would be different if they had introduced us, if they were the cause of our meeting and our eventual relationship, and not the other way around, if we would be in their position now. Staring lovingly into each other's eyes and not hesitating in delivering affectionate touches every so often, rather than stealing torturous moments in a bathroom and attempting to avoid hurting the other. But, these are questions that can't be answered. These are mysteries that can never be solved because they didn't introduce us. Glen didn't introduce me to his sister, I introduced him to mine. And she didn't hurt him the way I hurt Spencer, she didn't cause the kind of pain that no one should ever experience to him, like I did to his sister. She didn't break him and he didn't break her, like we did.

I get up from the table because I have to leave, because this is too much. This is way more than I can ever take, so I remove myself from the situation. I get up, say my goodbyes and head for the exit with Kelly following behind me.

We make it to the car in silence and as we get in, and drive to my loft, I could never call it ours when this our is associated with someone who isn't Spencer, we still don't speak. It isn't until we come to the parking garage and she begins getting out of the car, while I continue to sit there, does she say something. "Aren't you coming in?"

I look down, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. "I just need some time to think."

She doesn't argue, she doesn't show the possessiveness that always seems to present itself in front of Spencer. She simply nods and shuts the passenger side door.

I pull up to the beach house that is my salvation. I can hear the waves crashing against the sand and that, somehow, soothes me. I walk into this dark house, locking the door behind me. I don't bother turning on the lights, I know this place too well to need them. I navigate my way to the room I need to be in. The room that will provide the comfort that was removed the second Stacey called my Spencer, claiming my Spencer as her own. I take a seat at the piano there, lightly placing my fingers on the keys. I revel in how smooth they feel against my flesh and how at ease they put me. My fingers begin to press down upon them, playing a familiar song before I register they're doing it. It's a song I've come to know so well, a song that I wish I'd written, because it speaks so directly to me, takes my life and places it so perfectly between its words.

"As high as the moon  
So high were my spirits  
When you sang out my name  
And coming from you  
It was enough just to hear it  
Oh, it rang like the bells did today  
But even the sturdiest ground  
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down

Kindly unspoken  
You show your emotion  
The silence speaks louder than words  
It's lucky I'm clever  
If I didn't know better  
I'd believe only that which I'd heard…"

I close my eyes as my mouth wraps around the words, sings them so perfectly that one would think, they were meant for me to sing.

"In the days of my folly  
I followed your lead  
I did what Simon said to do  
But I won't let melancholy  
Play me for a fool  
Oh, no I'm on my way somewhere new  
And as far as your lack of something to say  
Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way

Cause kindly unspoken  
You show your emotion  
The silence speaks louder than words  
It's lucky I'm clever  
If I didn't know better  
I'd believe only that which I'd heard

Well, don't keep me up 'till the dawn, no  
With words that'll keep leading me on, yeah well  
I know much better than to wait for an answer from you

Kindly unspoken  
You show your emotion  
And silence speaks louder than words  
It's lucky I'm clever  
If I didn't know better  
I'd believe only that which I'd heard…"

I feel someone take a seat beside me. I don't jump, I don't bother flinching. There's only one person that would know I was here, and as she rests her head on my shoulder, watching my fingers continue to move across the keys, she doesn't say a word, she doesn't need to. But I do. "I miss you, Spence." My eyes close on their own accord, they let the darkness of this room engulf me, sending me to speak the most honest truth I possess because I can't lie to her, I can't hide behind anything, not in our place, not at our beach house.

"I miss you too, Ash."

* * *

The song used is Kindly Unspoken by Kate Voegele.


	3. Only Fooling Myself

So, I'm back with another update. It's been a little while, I blame Spring Break, which started for me at the end of last week, I've been enjoying too much fun in the sun. Anyway, I managed to write an update and hopefully you all enjoy it. I want to thank everyone reading and especially everyone reviewing, you fuel my writing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**Only Fooling Myself**

I walk through my door. I don't bother being quiet. I don't bother sneaking around, that would imply some kind of guilt, and how could I ever feel guilty for spending time with Spencer? I know before I push my bedroom door open that she's awake, I know without a doubt in my mind, that she's sitting there on my bed waiting. It doesn't surprise me when that's exactly what I see when I push the door open. She's dressed and ready for work as she sits there with her arms crossed, a mixture of hurt and anger taking over her face as she examines me, as she takes in what I'm wearing, the same thing I was wearing from the night before.

I turn away from her. I can't stand to look at her because I think she's been crying. I think I see tearstains on her cheeks and I can't bear to see them. I can't see what I know I'm the cause of, what I don't want to be the cause of. So, I don't face her. I turn my back and begin rummaging through my drawers, not searching for anything in particular but just needing something to do.

"You didn't come back last night." It's said softly, weakly and I think I've finally done it. I've finally broken this girl that's done nothing wrong, that's done nothing but love me. I turn to face her and she looks so defeated, so fragile that I have to swallow thickly, I have to stop the urge to cry that I feel.

"I had a lot to think about." I give her a half truth, because right now, I can't stand to lie to the eyes boring into mine.

She closes her eyes, squeezes them shut so tightly I wonder if it hurts. And I think it might because there are tears traveling down her cheeks. I know she's aware of who was on my mind, who always seems to be there no matter what. "I should get to work."

Part of me wants to grab for her, pull her in so tightly and apologize for every tear I've caused, every moment of sadness or doubt that I'm responsible for. But I can't, because there's another part of me, a much greater part that won't give her false hope, won't deceive her into thinking that there's more to us than killing time. So, I don't move from my spot. I watch her get up and walk out, not bothering to say goodbye, I don't think she has it in her to do it, even she can't pretend that she doesn't see the true nature of our relationship in this moment.

I listen for the shutting of the front door before I undress. I pull away these layers and head for the shower. I make my way to what I know will help relieve how tightly wound I now am. I walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind me as the memory of a late night confession plays in my head. As I see me wrapped in Spencer, wanting to never let go, but knowing that I have to because she's no longer mine. I'm no longer the one she comes home to every night, the one she recounts her days to, I've been replaced and it hurts so much to think about that, to realize the truth in that statement.

I allow the spray of the water to take me over, drowning out everything else around me, because at least here, under this shower, I don't feel as empty, I don't feel as hopeless, I just don't feel. I need this moment, I need this shower's ability to completely disregard everything outside its walls. But as I look into blue eyes, feel perfect hands wrap themselves around me, my ability to not feel disappears. It vanishes as this, too real a fantasy takes over my senses. Her imagined presence completely destroys this sanctuary of mine, and all I want to do is escape. I want to run far enough away so that this feeling of emptiness that has taken over can never find me, never invade me again.

But, even as I step out of the shower the feeling doesn't disappear, if anything, it seems to double, it sends shivers through my body. I walk into my bedroom and begin to get dressed. I don't really pay too much attention to what I'm doing. I grab a top and a pair of jeans, but I don't stop to examine what it is I grabbed. Before long, I'm dressed and in my car. I'm driving to Kyla and Glen's house. This has become so routine that I don't even realize that I've arrived until Kyla opens the door and invites me in.

I'm sitting at her kitchen counter, watching her make herself a sandwich. "You'll spoil your dinner if you eat that." I say casually.

"No I won't, I've got time."

"You know how Mr. C gets when you don't finish your plate." I say in a sing song voice.

"I'll take my chances."

I roll my eyes and she begins to laugh, we have this conversation way too often.

"So, I take it you're still going to dinner then."

I look at her, the smile fading just slightly. "Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

"I don't…I just thought after last night…I just thought you wouldn't be up to seeing Spencer tonight."

"Hasn't stopped me before." It's said softly, too softly. If I hadn't been the one to say it, it would've gone unnoticed.

"Ash-"

"Don't Kyla, okay? Just don't." I stop her because I know exactly what she's going to say. We've had _**this**_ conversation way too often as well. I jump off the counter and make my way towards her front door, with her right on my heels, the sandwich long forgotten in the kitchen.

I make it to the door before she grabs my hand and pulls me back. "You're being stupid for the record…you both are."

I try again to make my way out of her house, but she's holding onto my arm too firmly. Finally, I accept that she's not about to let me leave, so I turn and face her, not being able to help the narrowing of my eyes in her direction.

"You heard me, you're both acting like complete idiots."

I take a deep breath. "Look, Kyla-"

"No, I'm talking, you're listening." She grips onto my arm a little tighter and leads me to the living room and seats me on the couch there. "I get it, okay? I really do get it. When things went wrong between you two, they really went bad. And I know that you both got hurt, you both said some things that cut a little too deeply, and you're both trying to deal with the aftermath of all that. I understand that. I know how hard it is to give yourself up to someone, especially if you've been hurt in the past. Trust me, I get it. But, I see the way you look at her, the way she still looks at you. I know you miss her and there's no doubt in my mind that she misses you, but the thing that gets me is why you're both not doing anything about it. I just can't, for the life of me, figure out why you guys aren't together when it's so obvious you both want to be." She stops and looks up at me, finally deciding to take a seat beside me.

I, on the other hand, am speechless. I can't even turn to face her. I just sit there, not saying a word, just fiddling with my hands. It feels like forever before I can even muster up the words to speak. My throat is dry and the words seem forced when they finally come out. "It's not that easy, you know it's not."

"Yeah, well, it should be."

"But it's not. We can't just pretend that nothing happened. Besides she has Stacey and I-"

"Have Kelly?" I close my eyes and clench my jaw. "Because, if that's your excuse, then things are really wrong."

"I just want her to be happy, Kyla. I just want Spencer to be happy, and if she has that with…Stacey then I'm not gonna get in the way of that."

"You're already in the way." I turn to look at her, the tears having long filled my eyes. "You were in the way long before Stacey ever entered the picture. When it comes to the two of you, you're never not gonna be in the way Ashley, and both you and Spencer know that." With that she gets up and walks into the kitchen, leaving me there speechless.


	4. Say It Again

So, I'm back with yet another update and it's another long one. I want to thank all of you reading and especially those of you leaving me reviews, it gets me to update sooner. This chapter is a little intense, so I hope you all enjoy it. Oh and I'm warning you now that things get a little R rated.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**Say It Again**

I pull up to the Carlin house a little after seven. I'm already late, but I can't help sitting out in the driveway a little while longer. I'm bracing myself before I walk up to the door and face the music. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before making my way out of the car. I stop right outside the door, just as nervous as I was on my first visit here, just as I am every Sunday when I come over for dinner. Nothing's really changed, I'm just as overwhelmed with being near the gorgeous blonde behind that door as I ever was.

Before I even get the chance to knock, the door is pulled open and she's standing there staring straight at me. She has a smile on her face and, just for a moment, I forget that she's not mine, I forget anything and everything that isn't her.

"Planning on staying out here all night?" With that, I'm brought out of my thoughts, I'm brought to a very real Spencer standing there, smiling at me.

"No, but now that you mention it, it is really nice out here." I take a deep breath in and exhale to emphasize that.

"Too bad, I need you to save me."

I quirk an eyebrow. "From?"

"My parents. Kyla and Glen bailed and since you decided to take your sweet time getting here, I've been alone with my mom for the past twenty minutes. _Twenty minutes!" _She stresses the last two words and her face is just a little flushed. I try not to let her see the smile that's quickly spreading across my face, but as our eyes meet, I know it's too late. "Oh, you think this is funny?"

"No." I try my hardest to say it with meaning, but the laugh that escapes from my lips completely discredits this assertion.

"Okay." She has a smirk on her lips and I know this isn't heading anywhere good.

"Spence-"

Before I even get the chance to finish my sentence, she has turned her head away from me and said the four words I've come to dread. "Mom, guess who's here?"

"I can't believe you did that." The words have barely left my lips before I'm being pulled into a hug by Paula and dragged into the house. I turn my head to find Spencer smiling smugly at me. I stick my tongue out at her and mouth the word 'payback' as Paula begins leading me into the dining room, where Arthur is setting the table.

"Finally, I was beginning to think you had bailed on us too." He says before pulling me into a hug, I can't help but smile as he does it.

"You know I'd never miss a Sunday dinner when you're in the kitchen." He smiles at me and I return it until I hear someone clearing their throat. "No offense." I say directing it to Paula. "I love your cooking too. It's really just that one over there that scares me." I say pointing in Spencer's direction.

"Hey!" She says, looking around for validation.

"Sorry sweetie, but you're a disaster in the kitchen." I smile at Paula as she pats Spencer on the shoulders.

"Thanks guys." She rolls her eyes at her parents and glares in my direction, but eventually she starts smiling and a laugh escapes her lips. "Can we have dinner now?"

We all laugh and take a seat at the table. I take a seat between Paula and Spencer. "Wow Mr. C, this all looks amazing."

He smiles at me and we all join hands as he begins saying grace. I can't quite focus on the words coming out of his mouth, I'm too overwhelmed with the feeling of Spencer's hand in my own. I can't help sneaking a look in her direction, seeing her looking right at me, her thump beginning to graze over the knuckles of my right hand. I know I shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be indulging in this moment, but I am, I'm milking it for all it's worth.

All too soon our moment ends, our hands retreat to their respective sides, and our eyes find purchase on the food being loaded onto our plates.

"So Ash, how's the album coming along." Paula asks before sipping on her wine.

"It's not." She raises a perfectly quaffed brow and I just shrug my shoulders. "I'm guess, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit." I go back to eating the food on my plate, subtly glancing over at Spencer who's giving me a knowing smirk.

"What about you Spence? How's the gallery?" Arthur adds in.

"Good. We're having a show next week, so it's a little busy right now, but other than that things are great." She finishes then takes a sip of her drink.

"That's good to hear." He smiles at the both of us and we can't help smiling back at him.

"So, how's Kelly?" As quickly as that smile had taken my face, it just as quickly disappears. I lower my eyes momentarily, too afraid to set them on any one place. I brace myself before speaking, I can already see the cracks this question has caused to Spencer's wall. So, I try and lessen the blow, I clear my throat and turn to face Paula.

"She's good." That's all I say, that's all I can say. I can feel the tension that seems to be radiating from the blonde beside me, and I want to go back to before that question was asked, I want to go back to when our hands touched, our eyes met, and we smiled a smile meant just for one another. I don't want to stay in this moment, this feeling. This inability to get Spencer to look at me, this inability to force myself to look at her.

"And how's Stacey?" I feel like the wind's been knocked right out of me with that question. I know it's selfish when I tune out the response, when I purposely stop listening to the words coming out of her mouth. I hate that those words were strung together to ask that question, that it was even thrown into this space, completely disrupting this environment. But, I think he says it out of fairness, he throws it on the table to make us equal.

I guess I should be used to this. I should be prepared for these questions, they come out every Sunday, but each and every time they do I react the same way. I let them invade this carefree connection between Spencer and I. I let them shatter this perfect illusion we've created. But tonight it's different, they seem to hit a little harder, cut a little deeper and I realize it's because Kyla's not here, she's not here to buffer the situation, to veer it to a less awkward course.

"So dad, how's work?" But Spencer tries, she attempts to bring us back. It doesn't work though, her attempt does nothing to help. It fails to remove the black cloud that seems to be hovering above us. And as he begins to answer her question, I know that cloud will continue to linger above us, never quite straying too far away.

The rest of the dinner is eaten in relative silence. A few comments and questions are thrown out here and there but the majority of the meal is eaten in the most deafening quiet I've ever experienced in this house.

After we're all done, I help Paula clear the plates, grabbing mine and Spencer's while she grabs hers and Arthur's plate. I walk into the kitchen behind her and set the plates in the sink before turning around and making my way towards the door.

"She misses you, you know?" I stop. I can't really help it. Of all the things I ever thought I'd hear come out of Paula's mouth, those words were nowhere near close. "I know that sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I know that deep down, she misses you more than she'll admit." I'm just standing there, facing the door, not being able to move, shock holding me to this spot.

"I know." It comes out as a whisper, said so softly in an effort to protect this absolute truth from the catastrophe that surrounds the outside world.

"So, what're you gonna do about it?"

I squeeze my eyes shut and finally turn and face her. "There's nothing I _**can**_ do." My eyes opening slowly as those words leave my lips.

"Look, I get that I wasn't your biggest fan when you and Spencer first started dating. Hell, back then I'd be the last person to say this, but you two belong together. Don't get me wrong, I like Stacey, I think she's a great girl, and considering how things ended between you and Spence, I'd prefer her to be with Stacey…if that made her happy. But I see the way she looks at you when she thinks no one else is watching, I notice how much more she smiles when you're around and I know you're who she wants. I've never seen anything close to what you two have together when she's with Stacey. And I know you know that. I know you see it, so don't tell me you can't do anything about it, because you and I both know you can."

My eyes flutter shut for a moment before they open again. "And what if you're wrong? What if I'm not what she wants anymore?"

She smiles, she actually smiles at me and I'm not sure how to take that. "I'm not wrong, and you know that, just don't let the past stop you from being together, it wouldn't be fair, to either of you." She walks to my still body, squeezes my shoulder and makes her way out of the door.

For the second time today, I'm left speechless. I'm completely stunned into silence. I just follow her into the dining room, not being able to control anything else about my body at the moment.

We walk in to find Arthur there picking up the glasses with Spencer nowhere in sight. He must have read the question on my mind and answers it without me having to ask. "She's in her room."

I give him a grateful smile before making my way up the stairs and to Spencer's childhood room. When I get to the door, I knock before slowly opening the door and walking in, finding her lying on her back on the bed, eyes closed. I don't say anything as I take a seat at the end of her bed. We sit in silence for a few minutes before I break it.

"I still can't believe you were a cheerleader." I say glancing around the room. "Had I known, we wouldn't have been friends." I finish, glancing back in her direction.

She rolls her eyes but I can see the smile she's trying so hard to hide. "Please, you were lucky I was friends with you, besides, I was a cheerleader for like…less than a month."

"Yeah and that was enough." I laugh and get a pillow thrown at my head for my efforts.

"As I recall, you didn't really mind the whole cheerleading thing in the end." She says, a smirk plastered on her face.

"Yeah, well, at that point it was working in my favor." I look over again and find her blushing, causing the smile on my face to grow.

"Shut up." She says tossing yet another pillow at me.

We sit in silence once again, just letting a comfortable silence engulf us. "So…I had a pretty interesting conversation with your mom."

"Yeah? I had one with my dad."

I lift myself up off the end of the bed and scoot back until I'm laying on my back next to Spencer, with only the tiniest bit of space separating us. "It's a smart strategy really, divide and conquer." We both laugh at that before the quiet takes us over again.

She props herself up on her elbow and faces me. "So, what'd you and mom talk about?"

I laugh nervously and answer honestly. "You." I turn on my side and prop myself up facing her as well. "What'd you and your dad talk about?"

"You."

"It really was a tag team mission, wasn't it?" I can't help it when I start laughing.

But as her hand comes up to guide a stray curl behind my ear, her hand lingering there with no intention of moving, her thumb brushing back and forth over my skin, the humor seems to leave this moment, taking its laughter with it. Her thumb slowly traces over my lips and I close my eyes, I have to, it's the only response I have at the moment. When her hand leaves my skin I open my eyes to find her staring at me, her gaze so intense that I can't look away.

I don't register what I'm doing until I feel my fingers graze over her soft skin, drawing circles under her shirt while moving her body so much closer to me. Her eyes close and her breathing changes just slightly and that's all I need. It's enough confirmation to have me move closer, leaving barely any space between us. She rests her forehead against mine, the struggle between her wants and responsibility evident on her face.

"Ash." It's a whisper, a pleading one, but I'm not sure what it's asking of me. So, I make a decision. I don't hesitate, I don't give my brain the opportunity to stop and rethink the choice I'm making.

I kiss her. Our lips crash together in a way they haven't in more than a year. I claim her lips between mine, hoping that in that moment they're telling her all the words my voice failed to relay. My hand tangles in her hair as she kisses me back, bringing her tongue to trace my lips, asking for permission that's immediately granted. She deepens our kiss and I can't hold back the moan that seems to escape.

Before I know it, I'm on top of her and we're moving in a rhythm that's all our own. Her hands get lost in my curls as mine travel across every inch of her body, reacquainting myself. I kiss her jaw, slowly making my way to her neck, sucking on her pulse point before moving a little further down. She's gripping onto my hips, pulling me down onto her body, removing any space that had been there before. Before I realize it, my shirt is being pulled over my head and she's kissing down my neck and chest, her hands everywhere on my back. I get lost in the sensation of her kissing my already heating skin, a thigh slips between my own and I can't help pushing against it, placing pressure where I really need it to be. She sits up as I remove her shirt and toss it behind me, my hand going around and unclasping her bra and guiding it off of her body. She lays down, exposing the top half of her body to me, I can't help reveling in the sight and feel of it. My hand burns a trail down her body, starting at her neck, moving down her chest, my thumb grazing over a nipple, it hardening almost immediately, and finally going around to wrap her leg around my body, pressing my thigh into her a little more. Her back arches at the contact and her teeth gently sink into my shoulder. I lower myself on her, kissing her neck then right below her collar bone. I continue to kiss down her chest before finally taking a hardening nipple into my mouth and circling my tongue around it, dragging my teeth against it gently before soothing it with my tongue, all the while, my hands are working on the buttons on her jeans.

It's at that moment realization dawns. It hits like a splash of cold water and suddenly her hands are on mine, stopping mine. I pull back slightly as her hands remove mine from where they were perched. She stares at me, my hands cradled in hers, my mouth hanging slightly open, the fear and doubt evident in her eyes. I sigh and roll myself off of her and onto the bed beside her. We both lay there for what seems like forever, not bothering to move, not making a move for the items that were tossed aside, we just lay there completely exposed.

Then, her hands are on her face, rubbing at her eyes. "That shouldn't have happened…we shouldn't have…that just shouldn't have happened." She's shaking her head as her hands push a little harder onto her eyes.

I lay there silently, not quite sure of what to say or what to do in this moment.

"God, that shouldn't have happened." She turns to face me, asking for my confirmation, begging for it really, but right now all I can give her is silence. "Aren't you going to say something?"

"What do you want me to say Spencer?" When I finally speak, the words come out so calmly that it surprises me. It astounds me that I'm not losing my cool as the weight of what just happened falls securely on my shoulders.

"I don't know Ash, something, _**anything**_!" I look at her but remain quiet. "I mean, we just…we almost…we just crossed a line. We crossed a huge fucking line."

She gets up from the bed, grabbing her shirt and bra on the way and throwing them on quickly. I, on the other hand, don't make a move for my discarded shirt. I just lay there staring at the ceiling.

When she doesn't say anything else, I remove my gaze from the ceiling and find her staring at me. "So what, you're just gonna lay there and say nothing?"

"I don't know what you want me to say Spence. Cause I'm not gonna apologize. I'm not gonna call this a mistake when everything inside me is screaming that it's not. So, tell _**me**_ Spence, tell me exactly what it is you wanna hear."

"I don't know, okay? I just don't know." She lowers her head in defeat and I take my opportunity. I make my way to her, stopping just short of actually touching her. I touch my hand to her chin, bringing it up until her eyes meet my own, her eyes closing almost immediately.

"Spencer." She doesn't say anything, she doesn't open her eyes. "Please look at me." Tears make their way down her face as her eyes squeeze shut a little tighter. "Please?" Her eyes finally come open and meet mine and I have to take a deep breath. "I love you. God, I love you more than anything else in this world, and I know you feel the same about me." Her head nods slightly and I can't help smiling "I can't live without you, trust me I've tried, but I just can't, and I really don't want to. I want to lose myself in you every moment of every single day. I want to kiss you without having you pull away, to make love to you without the guilt of hurting someone else looming over us. I want you so bad Spencer. I just want you." I lean forward, pressing my lips to hers gently, and just for a moment I think she'll kiss me back, that she'll once again get lost in this moment but she doesn't, she pulls away.

"I can't Ash. God, I wish it was this simple. I wish I could just kiss you and have nothing else matter. I wanna be able to get lost in you without these fucked up memories rushing to my head, but I can't. We had our chance Ashley, we had it and we blew it." The tears I'd been holding back spill over, they speed down my face showing no sign of slowing down. "I'm sorry. I am. But I can't. I gave you my heart once and you didn't just break it Ash, you completely shattered it and I can't take that risk with you…I wouldn't be able to take it a second time."

"Spence-" I go to grab hold of her hand but she backs away, she takes a step away from me and shakes her head as the tears come down harder.

"I love you. I really do, but I can't give myself to you again. I don't feel safe to."

She walks away, she walks right passed my stunned being. "Tell me you love her." The words leave my lips as her hand connects with the doorknob, I turn around to face her, knowing she can't lie to me in this moment.

"What?"

"Tell me you love her, that she's the one, that she means more to you than I ever did. Say all that and I'll back off. I'll stop holding on to us. Just tell me that she's what you really want and I'll be happy for you." I'm barely a foot away as the last word leaves my lips. "Honestly tell me that you love her and I'll accept it."

Her eyes shut tightly, her jaw clenching. "Ashley." She opens her eyes and stares into mine, begging for me to just let this go.

"Tell me she's what you want."

Her voice is so soft when the words come out, it's so quiet that I barely hear the words coming from her lips. "I can't." With that she walks out of the room, leaving me to watch her go, a small smile playing at my lips.


	5. Beauty In Walking Away

So, I'm back with an update. I know it's been a while, but Spring Break ended and so did my free time, but I found time to write this, so yay! I want to thank all of you reading and especially those of you leaving me reviews, I like knowing your reactions to how things unfold.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**Beauty In Walking Away**

I get back to my loft at a quarter past three. I didn't even notice how late it had gotten. After leaving the Carlin home, I didn't feel up to coming back here and dealing with Kelly when so many things were running through my mind. Instead, I found myself driving to the beach house, sitting at that piano and just letting time fly past me, time ticking by note by note. But now I'm back, I'm back to facing this reality. Images of stolen kisses and soft touches, filling my mind but only staying briefly, they stay long enough for me to desperately reach for them but disappear before I grab hold. I make my way through the loft as quietly as I can. I don't want to face the all knowing look of betrayal sure to be plastered all over Kelly's face. I very slowly and carefully get into bed beside her, I lay there still, hoping to not stir her awake.

It's an unnecessary precaution really, I knew before I walked through the door that she would be awake. I knew that she'd be waiting for me, a part of me just hoped that I'd have time, that I could somehow convince the world to stop as I gathered myself together.

She turns around and snuggles up against me, resting her head on my shoulder, while her arm goes around my waist. She pulls me in tightly and I can't help it when my own arm goes around her and brings her even closer. She buries her head into the crook of my neck and I instantly notice how her body has begun shaking and shuddering. Familiar sounds coming from her lips as the tears fall freely. I try to hold back the tears I feel threatening to spill over, but I know that I'm already on my way to a breakdown like the one she's having.

We stay pressed together holding on to one another as her tears slow their descent and her breathing returns to normal. I feel her take a deep breath and I know the next words out of her mouth are going to break us completely.

"You're still in love with her, aren't you?" She doesn't yell it, she doesn't say it with anger or malice, she says it so broken that it hurts. It cuts right through me, because I can't handle this, I can't handle how fragile her voice sounded, or how hurt and exhausted she looks. So, I do what I can, I shut my eyes and allow the tears I'd been holding back to fall down the sides of my face. I feel the bed shift beside me, I know that she's sitting up, finally ready to have this conversation that's been a long time coming.

I hesitate before I respond. For a second, I contemplate staying quiet, allowing the silence to speak for me, but she doesn't say anything else. No words escape her lips, she's waiting for me to answer her question, because she needs to hear it, needs to know the truth. So, I release the truth causing both our tears. I say the one word she already knew was coming. "Yes."

And that does it. It's the final blow to her already crumbling structure. I hear her sob and I have to open my eyes, I have to witness this damage that I've caused, this hurt that I so easily allowed her to experience. My heart aches as I take her in, as I see how shattered she is. I can't help pulling her in, holding her tighter than I've ever held her before, hoping to somehow put the pieces back together. She clings to me just as forcefully, crying into my shoulder, allowing her release to stain my clothes. "I'm sorry." I repeat it over and over but that only causes her to cry harder.

I don't remember falling asleep, but suddenly I'm waking up to a very empty bed. I reach out for her anyway, I test this theory I've concocted, and sure enough, she isn't there beside me. I sit up slowly, remembering everything from just a few hours ago. I make my way into the living room and find her sitting on the couch. She's just sitting there in the silence waiting.

I make my way to her and take a seat. "Hey."

"Hey, what're you doing out here?"

She turns to face me, giving me a small smile. "I didn't want to wake you."

"I don't even remember falling asleep." A light chuckle escapes my lips and she gives me a strained smile in response.

"Yeah…"

We don't say anything else, the tension in the air is obvious and palpable. I look at her momentarily before facing forward, staring off into space, she's staring down at her hands as her fingers fiddle with one another.

"I can't do this anymore." She says looking up at me.

I sigh. "I know."

"I thought I could, you know? I thought that eventually you'd be able to see me, and love me…for just me. I figured, if I loved you enough, then Spencer wouldn't matter. That it wouldn't hurt as much when I caught you looking at her or when I knew she was on your mind. Because it would be enough just to be with you."

"I'm sorry."

She sighs and turns her entire body to face me. "I don't want you to apologize to me…I don't need you to. I knew going in how you felt about her…I just…I guess I thought if I gave you enough time, you'd eventually have feelings for me."

I grab hold of her hands, squeeze them slightly to emphasize the point I'm about to make. "I do have feelings for you. I know I haven't always shown it, but I do care about you."

"I know that," I look down at our joined hands as she continues "But you don't love me. I know that you think I'm oblivious to things, but I'm not. I may not acknowledge them but I do notice. I feel it when you stiffen at my touch, how our kisses are always one-sided, or that you'll say her name when we're having sex. I know that your face doesn't instantly light up when you see me like it does with Spencer. And, at first it didn't bother me, I thought that eventually things would be different. But, it kept happening, and you weren't even trying to hide it anymore, you weren't even pretending to try and protect my feelings. And that hurt more than anything else."

"I'm sorry." She gives me a look and I instantly backtrack. "I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's all I got. I'm sorry that I hurt you, I didn't mean for that to happen."

"No one intentional sets out to hurt someone they care about, the fact that you didn't mean to doesn't change that you did, and neither is apologizing for it."

"I just don't know what to say to make this okay."

She removes her hands from mine and gets up off the couch. "There's nothing you can say, Ash. An apology isn't gonna change how you feel about me or Spencer. It's not gonna make you fall in love with me or fall out of love with her. It's just gonna make us cling even more to this sinking ship and I don't wanna wait until we completely hit bottom."

"I wish I could have fallen in love with you." I say softly as the tears begin to fall.

"But then you wouldn't be able to get Spencer, and I know you will. You two are meant to be, it just took me a while to see that." She moves towards me, kissing my lips before moving to whisper in my ear. "I'm sorry I couldn't be enough for you." She looks me in the eye after the last word leaves her lips and I can't help the speed, in which, the tears fall. She gives me one last lingering kiss before stepping back and making her way towards the door. "Who knows, maybe I'll find a Spencer of my own."

Suddenly my phone is vibrating, alerting me to a text message. I flip it open and see that it's from Spencer. Somehow, she always seems to find me when I need her to most.

"_Meet me at our place."_


	6. Looking Back For You

Wow, it's been a while. Personally, I blame college, ex-girlfriend and friend drama, my birthday, and Dollhouse. All of which could be good enough reasons...April has been a very busy and frustrating month for me and it's not even over yet. Anyway, I have an update. Thank you to all of you reading and especially those of you reviewing. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Flashback in italics.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**Looking Back For You**

I pull up to the beach house in no time, still wondering why Spencer had asked me to meet her here in the first place, especially after how we left things. I take a calming breath before pushing the door open and walking in. For a moment I wonder if I've beaten her here, if in all my eagerness I've arrived before she has. But, when I hear the faint sound of a piano being played I know exactly where to find her. I walk slowly to the room I know she's in, I lean against the doorway, watching as she presses key after key eliciting notes in no particular rhythm, not playing a song, but pressing the keys nonetheless. I watch her for a few minutes before making my way into the room and taking a seat beside her. She doesn't move, she shows no acknowledgement of my presence. We sit in an awkward silence for what feels like forever until I break it.

"What're we doing here Spence?"

Her fingers leave the keys for a moment, long enough for her to take in a deep breath, but soon enough, they return and press a few more keys down. She doesn't turn to face me and no words leave her lips.

I wait impatiently for her to respond to my question, but I'm met with nothing, so I try again. "Spence, why are we here?" Again, she doesn't say anything. She's giving her focus completely to the piano and it's beginning to bug me. I wait for a response for a while longer before grabbing her hands and turning her to face me. "Spencer."

She looks down at our joined hands before removing hers from mine. Finally she looks up and into my eyes. Her blue ones boring into my brown. "Why now?"

I'm slightly taken aback. I search her eyes for an explanation, but I can't seem to find one. "What?"

She slides back on the bench, adding even more space to this growing gap between us. "Why are you doing this now?"

I grab a hold of her hand, slowly moving my thumb over her skin. "What am I doing Spence?" She pulls her hand out of mine and just shakes her head, no longer looking into my eyes. I can see the tears falling down her cheeks. "Tell me what I'm doing." She shakes her head again, making the tears taking over her face even more apparent. I can't help it when my hand reaches out to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Stop." She says pulling even further away from me, my hand dropping to my side.

"Stop what Spence?"

"Stop doing that…being here." She stands up, gesturing around us as her back hits the wall.

"Spencer-"

"Don't. You don't get to do this…you don't get to be here now, not after everything."

I shake my head because I'm honestly not following what she's saying. "Spence, listen-"

"It's been a year and a half Ashley! It's been a fucking year and a half and you didn't do anything…not once in all that time, so why now? Why are you doing this now?"

And suddenly it dawns on me. It hits me like a ton of bricks. "Because I need to."

"Because you need to? No, you don't get to do that Ashley. You don't get to decide now, that you're ready to fight for us. You don't get to barge in and disrupt everything just because you want to. It doesn't work that way."

I take a step towards her. She doesn't move away, she continues to stare me down, anger taking over her features. "I know, okay? I know that this should've happened a long time before now but I was scared. I was terrified of losing you altogether, and you know what? I still am, but I need to do this. I need to fight for us."

"There is no us." It's spoken softly. It comes out strained and broken. I move closer, I invade her space because I know she doesn't mean it, she can't mean it. The pull between us is too strong for her to believe that claim even for a second.

"You don't mean that."

I take another step in her direction, effectively pinning her to the wall. She shakes her head a few times, refusing to meet my gaze, so I make the move. I grab a hold of her chin, bringing her eyes level with mine. I rest my forehead against hers and watch as her eyes close.

"Stop." It comes out as a whisper, betraying what it was intended to do. It doesn't keep me from moving even closer. It doesn't stop my lips from meeting hers, and it definitely doesn't stop the moan that escapes her. It does nothing that it was supposed to do. Because I don't stop and move away. Because I kiss her and she kisses me back. Because my hands are holding on to her hips and hers are tangled in my hair. Because my thigh is finding itself between her legs and she's pulling me closer, clinging to my body for dear life. Because even though we know that this isn't the right moment, that there's someone that will be hurt as a result of this moment, neither one of us pulls away.

_I'm awoken to the feel of water splashing across my face. I jerk out of bed to find a very pissed off looking Spencer staring at me, a bucket in her hands. I blink a few times, because I must be dreaming, this moment is too ridiculous to be happening. But as my eyes focus on Spencer standing at the foot of the bed, I know this moment is all too real. _

"_What the fuck Spencer?" I can't help the anger surrounding my words. I peel the wet shirt off of my body and attempt to dry my face with what little of it is still dry._

"_Where were you last night?" I roll my eyes. Really? This is the reason why she decided to wake me up with a bucket of water. I ignore her as I make my way to the closet to get a towel. "Ashley."_

"_Are you kidding me right now? You seriously woke me up for this?" I close my eyes as a frustrated sigh leaves my lips. "Fine. I was here, okay? Happy?"_

"_You were here?"_

_My teeth clench on their own accord, because honestly I don't need this right now. "Please get to the point Spence, I'm really not in the mood for this." I'm also not a morning person._

"_You're not in the mood?" I realize now that maybe I shouldn't have said that. "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot I was speaking to **the** Ashley Davies. You want me to come back? Maybe when you feel like dealing with your girlfriend? I'm not one of your fans Ashley, you don't get to decide when I'm worth your time."_

_I turn to face her, hoping my eyes are conveying the words I'm about to speak, because honestly I can't stand another fight. "I didn't mean it like that, okay? I'm just tired and crabby and this whole bucket of water thing didn't really put me in the best of moods."_

"_You know what? Forget it…you obviously don't care." She turns and heads towards the door. She has it pulled open before I grab her arm and turn her to face me._

"_What's that supposed to mean?"_

"_Nothing…it's not like it matters to you anyway." With that she releases her arm from my grip and walks out of the room. I groan loudly before sending the towel in my hands flying across the room and into the lamp, causing it to shatter on the floor. _

I'm still kissing her as we make our way to the bedroom. Her hands are all over my body, searching for any contact she can make with my skin, which is proving to be difficult what with the clothing I still seem to be wearing. We land on the bed with a soft thud, my body fitting perfectly between her legs. She pulls me even closer, moaning loudly as my thigh makes contact with her heating core. She flips us over so that she's straddling my waist, grinding her hips into me, hoping to alleviate some of the tension our activity has caused. My hands are at the hem of her shirt, pulling it off of her body. She leans down crashing our lips together deepening the kiss immediately.

_I stare at the broken lamp for a few minutes before deciding to go after her. I grab a shirt out of the dresser and quickly put it on. I grab my keys and make my way out of the door. When I get down to my car I see her sitting in hers, making no move to back out of the driveway. I walk up to the passenger door and find that its unlocked. Taking a seat inside the car, I shut the door. She doesn't say anything, she doesn't even look at me. _

"_I'm sorry."_

"_Stop. I'm so sick of hearing you apologize to me." Her voice is shaky and her eyes are filled with tears begging to fall. I don't say anything. All I have right now are apologies and she doesn't want them. I stare out of the windshield. It's my only safe escape right now. I just want to reach out and hold her, but I think at this point it'd be crossing some kind of line. "I'm so sick of fighting with you."_

"_Then don't… just talk to me." I turn to face her, taking in the look of defeat plastered across her face._

"_Why? It's not like it'll make a bit of difference." And there's that little hint of anger making its presence known._

"_That's not fair."_

"_No, not fair is always coming in second to everything else."_

_I grab hold of her, turning her to face me, hoping she knows how absurd that statement was. "That's not true."_

"_Yes it is Ashley. Something always comes up that's more important to you than I am."_

"_How can you say that?"_

"_How could you forget our anniversary?" And the tears fall. They make their descent down her face because she can't hold them in any longer. She can't pretend that she's angry when a look of hurt is taking over her features. _

My hand is drawing lazy circles on her inner thigh, so close to where I know she wants me to be. Our clothes form piles on the ground, leaving us only one barrier separating her from my completely bare self. As my fingers wrap themselves around the waistband of her underwear removing that last garment, my lips slide slowly and deliberately from her neck to her chest. Her hands move to the back of my neck, bringing my lips back up to meet hers. She kisses me languidly, dragging her hand up and down my back, causing my entire body to shiver just slightly.


	7. You Can't Break A Broken Heart

Wow, it's been a really long time. I don't suppose I can get away with saying it's not my fault, can I? Well, it's not. Blame my professors, with their papers and their exams and whatnot. But that's all behind me because the summer's here and I have nothing to do...at least for now, so here I am and with an update at that. I just wanna thank everyone that's reading this thing, your reviews and author's alerts put a huge smile on my face. So, shall we move forward? Flashback in italics.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**You Can't Break A Broken Heart**

She stirs beside me and I instinctively pull her closer, I cling to these fleeting moments because I know it's all I have. Her breathing changes slightly and I know she's awake. She slowly and very carefully removes my arm from around her waist. I know what she's doing, she's making her escape and I'm watching her do it. She sits up and runs a shaky hand through her tousled hair, she sighs and proceeds to get off the bed, getting dressed while making the least amount of noise possible. She pulls the last garment, her shirt, over her head. When she finally turns to look my way, she's surprised to see me staring at her, I know she wasn't expecting to find me awake. She stands there quietly, glancing between me and the floor. I send her a strained smile because it's all I can force myself to do, I know that these next few minutes will make or break us.

"Don't go." The words are soft as they leave my lips, they're fragile and desperate, my eyes pleading with just a hint of pathetic mixed in. She just looks at me, guilt taking her over completely. She doesn't say a word but she doesn't make a move to leave either, which I take as a good sign. "Please don't go." I quickly get off the bed and pull her into a hug, holding on a little tightly.

"Ash…" She whispers against my chest as she slowly removes herself from my grip. She begins playing with her fingers as her eyes land on anything that isn't me.

I move my hand just under her chin and bring her eyes up to meet mine as I take a step closer to her. "Just stay…please?"

"I can't, okay. Stacey's probably worried and I-" I cut her off by bringing our lips together. The kiss starts off slow but grows desperate and needy as she deepens it. My hands are on her waist as hers tangle themselves up in my hair. I don't know how long we've been kissing, but when we part we're panting. My eyes are still closed as I lean my forehead to rest against hers. I hear her take a deep breath "I should go." She takes a step away from me.

I grab a hold of her hands and entwine our fingers, stroking her palm with my thumb. "Don't go. I don't want you to."

"Yeah, well, I can't stay here." She says as she removes her hands from mine.

"Why not? I want you to and if that kiss was any indication…then I know you don't wanna go."

"Stop." She closes her eyes and sighs deeply.

"No! You stop, okay! Stop fighting this and stop pushing me away. Just…just stay, please?" I take a step back from her as my hands move frantically in the air with each word that leaves my lips.

"I can't. Ashley, I-I just can't." She goes to turn around and I grab her, forcing her to face me.

"Why not? Why can't you? Please tell me 'cause I'm having trouble figuring it out, especially when you're eyes are telling me that you can…that you want to."

"I ca-"

"Damn it Spencer!"

"What Ashley? What do you want from me?"

"Nothing okay?" I move toward her, bringing my hand up to caress her cheek and looking into her gorgeous blue eyes. "God, I just want you."

"I'm not yours to have…not anymore." She turns around and walks toward the door.

"What about last night? How can you just walk away after that?"

"Because it hurts too much to do anything else." She doesn't turn around to face me as she says this, she just lowers her head.

"I love you. Spencer, I love you."

"Don't. Just don't." With that she leaves. She walks away and leaves me standing there, these last few minutes running through my mind, sending me back to a moment almost paralleling the one I'm currently in, attempting to act as its doppelganger, but failing miserably.

_We walk down the hall and into one of the bedrooms there. Her hand is held loosely in mine and I'm leading her, leading us to this location. We should probably be outside with the rest of the guests, enjoying Kyla and Glen's rehearsal dinner. I know we shouldn't be doing this now, not on their night, but as she presses me against the door and begins her assault on my neck, all thoughts of obligation fly out of the window. All I can focus on are the lips attached to my body that aren't yelling, eyes that aren't staring me down in fury, hands that aren't being thrown up in frustration, and I lose myself in this moment of no confrontation. A rush of heat overwhelms me as her hands move to un-tuck the button down shirt I'm currently wearing. I thread my hands through her blonde hair as her hands move to the small of my back, effectively pulling me closer. I pull her face to mine, crashing our lips together as I begin walking her backwards and to the bed awaiting us. Her hands, which had been perched on my hips in our movement, are now slowly removing the tie from around my neck and tossing it aside. The backs of her legs connect with the bed and she lowers herself onto it. I lean down and trail kisses from her lips to her jaw and finally her neck. She pulls me towards her causing me to lay my whole body on top of hers. She brings her hips up to meet mine and I slip a thigh between her legs. She moves her hips up to grind against my thigh and moans into my ear. She then switches our positions and straddles my lap, removing her black cocktail dress in the process. I sit up, bringing our lips together. I kiss her, immediately deepening it. She moves her hands from around my neck and starts to unbutton my shirt. I'm about to undo the clasp of her bra when I hear the door to the room open. _

"_Fuck!" She scrambles to get off me, grabbing for her dress, as I stand there staring into shocked blue eyes._

_Carrie…Michelle…Sara…or was it Caitlin? Hastily throws on her discarded dress and quickly makes her way to the door, walking right past Spencer, who has yet to remove her gaze from mine. I can tell she's holding back her tears, determined not to let me see her break, not in this moment. _

_I should probably be saying something right now. I should be apologizing and crying and telling her how big of a mistake I just made, but I'm not. I'm just standing there, letting the silence take up precious moments. Despite how hard she was trying to hold them in, the tears fall anyway. They start to come down and show no sign of slowing down or stopping. I look away from her. I look down and stare guiltily at the floor as the weight of what just happened comes down on me. _

_I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out, no words escape. I clench my jaw and then try again. And again nothing comes out. And I don't blame my voice for its lack of assistance in this moment, because really, what can I possibly say to make this better? I know there are no words, so I just stand there staring at my handiwork._

_Her hands ball into fists as the tears come down harder. I know she's on her way to a breakdown and there's nothing I can do about it. She turns away from me, ready and willing to leave. I reach out, grabbing her wrists and stopping her in her tracks. She pulls her arm away from me roughly and whips around to face me._

"_Don't touch me." Her voice has an ice cold edge to it that I've never heard before and it terrifies me that I caused it._

"_Spence-"_

"_Don't. Just don't." And she walks out of the door, leaving me to stand there watching her go. _


	8. You Have to Go There to Come Back

I'm back! And it didn't even take a long time. I knew there was a reason I liked the summer so much, free time. So, I hope you all enjoy reading this chapter b/c I really enjoyed writing it. I can't thank you all enough for your reviews, author alerts, story alerts, and especially just reading this thing. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far. Anyway, here ya go.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**You Have to Go There to Come Back**

It broke us. That morning completely obliterated us, then again there is no us, so really, it only got me, it only ripped through me, tearing me to bits in the process, leaving only the shattered remains to be salvaged. But that was 10 days ago, 52 beers and 15 shots of Vodka ago, and more accurately 30 unanswered calls and 10 voicemail messages ago, and now, as I start on beer number 53, I'm too numbed to feel how broken I know I am.

"I thought I'd find you here," She says as she enters the room, stepping over my body, and making her way to the piano and taking a seat on the bench. "wallowing in self-pity."

I sit up from my spot on the floor and rest my back against the wall before taking another sip of my drink. Setting it down, I reach for my phone and proceed to scroll through my recent calls. "Hmm, well this is strange, according to my phone here, I didn't call and invite you over, so feel free to leave." Tossing my phone to the side, I down the rest of number 53 and grab number 54.

"You do realize how pathetic this is right?" She says gesturing at our surroundings, which include bottles upon bottles and music sheets.

"At least I'm sending out the right vibes."

She gets up off the bench and kneels in front of me. "Ash-"

"Whatever you have to say Kyla, I don't wanna hear it." My eyes are half closed and my head is lolling to the side as I gesture towards her with number 54. "I just wanna sit here and drink." I add a nod to emphasize my point while grabbing for number 55.

"Well that's too bad 'cause we're talking." She moves to sit beside me.

I don't turn to face her, I just stare at the piano in front of us. "No. I don't wanna talk about her, I don't wanna talk about us, I don't even wanna talk about me."

"Well, that's a first." She says as she starts to laugh.

I smile, it's strained but it's a smile. I bring number 56 to my lips, having long finished number 55, before I speak. "Misery will do that, I hear it's quite humbling actually." We're quiet for a long time before I turn to look at her. I can tell she wants to say something, so when she opens her mouth to speak, I cut her off. "I mean it Kyla, no Spencer talk."

"Fine." She rolls her eyes and they fall on the bottle in my hands before coming up to search my face. "So, I went by the loft yesterday…ran into Kelly."

"Yeah?"

She nods. "Mhmm…since when is she moving out?"

"Since she broke up with me."

"Sorry." Despite her words I see the small smile playing at her lips.

"No you're not."

"I'm not. Are you?"

I shake my head and my shoulders shrug slightly. "She deserves better." I look down at bottle number 57, my fingers tearing away at the label before looking up at her, tears already filling my eyes. "Spencer deserves better."

"I thought we weren't talking about Spencer." She says with a knowing smirk.

"She walked out Ky, she just walked out and left me standing there." I continue to pick at the label, listening to my voice crack as the words leave my lips. "She didn't even fight for us."

"What did you expect? She's still hurting Ash."

"I don't know. I guess, I expected to mean more to her."

She takes number 57 out of my hands and places it on the ground, then turns me slightly to face her. "You do, you know you do. But let's face it, you cheated on her and that's not something you just get over."

I turn my head away from her and look down at my hands. "I know."

"She loves you, she really does. She just needs you to prove that you're not that same Ashley, that you're not the same girl that could cheat on her without even a second thought."

"I tried."

She rolls her eyes. "How? By trying to kiss her in the bathroom at Ego, or trying to have sex with her at her parent's house after Sunday dinner, and lest we forget actually sleeping with her, all while she still thinks you have a girlfriend." She scoffs slightly. "While she still has a girlfriend, I'm sorry but you didn't really prove anything."

"Technically, Kelly and I broke up before I slept with her."

She laughs quietly and runs a hand through her hair. "That's not really the point. Look, when I encouraged you to get her back, I meant for you to prove you deserved to have her and not for you to just assume that you do."

"What if-"

"You will."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do. You guys are meant to be, even if you're too stupid at times not to fuck it up, I know you'll find a way to get her back."

I sigh loudly and rest my head against the wall. "Yeah…if only she believed that."

"Well, if she doesn't, then prove it to her."

I turn my head to face her, my face pressing against the wall. "That's easier said than done."

"Yeah, I know." Silence takes us over again before she begins to speak, gesturing in front of us. "So this is what you've been doing these past few days, just sitting here drinking?"

"No. First I had to go buy the stuff and I get up every now and then to refill, plus you know the occasional shower." I point at my fingers as I speak each item, a drunken smile spreading across my face.

"Oh of course, I should've known." She says sarcastically.

"And…and I even wrote a song." I say excitedly, the effects of the drinks I've had starting to kick in.

"Did you now?"

I nod enthusiastically before getting up off the floor and stumbling towards the piano. "Uh huh, you wanna hear it?"

"Shoot." I can hear the amusement in her voice.

"Okay, I call this I suck. You ready?" I turn to see her nodding before turning back to the piano and placing my fingers on the keys. "Here it goes." I play a few notes before starting. "I suck, so bad. I'm a jerk and she's mad." She laughs loudly and I stop for just a second. "No, wait there's more. I suck, no doubt. And she just cries out. Can't show what's inside, just tell more lies. I suck, you see. Yet she still loves me. But I suck, yeaahhh…" She's laughing uncontrollably at this point and I'm getting ready to start up again when she stops me.

"Okay, I think I get the point."

"But you didn't even get to hear the best part." I start to argue.

"I'm okay with that." She says through fits of laughter as she lifts herself up off the ground and goes to stand next to me.

"Fine, but you don't know what you're missing."

She laughs again. "I'll live. I take it you were drunk when you wrote that."

"What, you didn't like it?"

"No, I didn't say that. I just…don't think it'll have the same appeal Crazy did."

I shrug and look up at her. "Yeah well, I like it."

"I'm sure you do."

I smile for a moment before Spencer crosses my mind and it slowly falls off my face. "Do you really think she'll forgive me?" I ask because I need the reassurance, I need to silence the nagging.

She smiles down at me before taking a seat beside me. "I'm more than confident." She pats me on the leg and stands up, holding her hand out to me. "What do you say we sober you up?"

Taking the offered hand, I smile and roll my eyes. "Fine but we're not having anymore heart to hearts."

"Fair deal, I'm sick of your problems anyway."

After collecting the last of the beer bottles and tossing them in the recycling bin, I take a seat on the couch, facing the huge plasma screen TV, as Kyla goes through my enormous movie collection. She deliberates between two before finally making a decision and putting the DVD into the player and quickly hitting play. I smile as I hear the first few lines of the Circle of Life coming through the speakers. She sends me a wink before turning back and watching the movie. She knows how much I love this movie, there's nothing quite like The Lion King to make me forget about how shitty I'm feeling. But as I sit there watching Scar mess with an innocent mouse, my mind can't help but wander back to Spencer, it can't help but zero in on the look on her face.

I get up off the couch as I watch the credits start to roll, looking down I find a sleeping Kyla, who had dozed off somewhere between Nala attacking Pumbaa and Rafiki hitting Simba with his stick. She looks so peaceful that I don't try and wake her up, instead, I reach for the blanket at the end of the couch and cover her up with it. Then, I make my way to the bedroom and into the bathroom to take a quick shower in the hopes of clearing my cluttered mind. I step under the spray of the water and revel in how warm and soothing it is, and for just a moment it distracts me from the chaos of the outside world. But it's just for that moment and it passes too quickly. When I enter the living room, I don't find a sleeping Kyla there, instead, I find a note.

_Ash,_

_Thanks for letting me sleep, too bad Glen didn't get the memo. I had to go. Apparently the boy can't feed himself without me. Anyway, thanks for the movie and remember what I said. Love you. _

_-Ky_

I smile at her words and place the note back onto the couch where she left it.

I'm not sure how it happened but I find myself outside of Spencer's apartment, knocking on the door anyway. I guess, it was some time between getting out of the shower and finding Kyla's note that I made the decision to come over here. My hands are hanging loosely at my sides as I wait for her to open the door, silently hoping that it isn't Stacey that does this instead. Thankfully when the door is pulled back I'm met with a sleepy Spencer wearing a tank top and shorts.

"Hey." I send her a sheepish smile as my eyes take in her appearance.

"What're you doing here?" She has a look of sadness that crosses her features before being replaced with annoyance.

"I know you don't wanna see me right now, but-"

"You're right, I don't wanna see you. I thought the whole ignoring you thing drove that point home but apparently I was wrong."

"No, you made that very clear. I-I just need to tell you something and then I'll back off and give you your space." I look her in the eyes, hoping my pleading ones will convince her skeptical ones.

"Yeah, well I don't-"

"Will you just hear me out? Please?"

She sighs and takes a step to the side, opening the door a little more. "Fine. Do you wanna come in?"

"Uh, n-no thanks, this'll only take a minute."

"Okay."

I take a deep breath and gather up all of my thoughts before I speak. "I know I hurt you. And as cliché as I'm about sound, I'm really sorry about that and if I could take it back I would, but I can't and I know that deep down, there's a part of you that will never be able to forgive me for what I did. And I accept that 'cause I honestly don't deserve to have you forgive me, not after everything." I stare directly into her eyes as each word leaves my lips, hoping she can see the absolute sincerity in them. Even when she looks away and stares down at her feet, I don't remove my gaze.

"But I want you to, and I know that that's selfish of me considering what I've done but I want your forgiveness more than anything, because I can't imagine not having you in my life, even if we're nothing more than just friends. And if you decide that that's all you want, that what I did…" I lose my words in the dryness of my throat for a moment before I clear it and push through. "…that cheating on you is as unforgivable as I know it is, and that all we'll ever be is just friends, then I'll be okay with that. I'll accept it if that's what you want, because I just want you to be happy, no matter what." Her eyes, the ones that were just glued to the floor, snap up and bore into my own.

"But I also want you to know that I love you. God Spencer, I love you so much. When I'm with you I'm just…I can't even describe it, I'm just…happier, better. I smile…more, I breathe easier, hell food tastes better." I laugh a little before clearing my throat, once again, and continuing. "You make me want to be better, more than this." I move my hands down my body hoping she gets my point. "I wanna be the person you see when you look at me, the person you fell in love with. And I know I'm not her." I stop for a second as the first tear falls down my face, I don't bother wiping it away.

"I haven't been that person in a long time, even before I fucked everything up. But I'm trying, I'm trying to get back to that. And I know that my actions lately haven't really provided the best examples, but I'm gonna change that, I'm gonna stop being the selfish, careless person I've become and go back to being the person you knew I could be. I wanna deserve to have you love me back and be worthy of loving you. And I know that that's not just gonna happen because I want it to, I know I'm gonna have to work at it and I'm willing to do that because you're worth it, Spence you are so worth it." I cup her cheek as my thumb grazes over her skin.

"And because of that I'm willing to wait, I'll wait as long as it takes for you to realize that we're worth fighting for…because we are. I just have to look at you to know that." I carefully wipe the tears from her face before removing my hand and taking a step back. "And I know that right now you want your space, so I'll give it to you, I'll back off and I won't push, but I want you to know that I'm not giving up on us. I'm never gonna stop trying."

She looks at me for a moment, completely examines me, sizing me up before she says just one word. "Okay." With that, she walks back into her apartment and shuts the door behind her.

I stare at that door for just a second, a small smile playing at my lips. "Okay."


	9. An Attempt to Tip the Scales

I'm back with an update. It took a little while to finish up this update, what with my new story taking over my mind, but I did it so yay! I hope you all enjoy this (I took a little inspiration from One Tree Hill but that's our little secret). Thanks again for the reviews and for reading this thing. If you haven't already, check out my new story Between Order and Randomness, but in the meantime, here ya go.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**An Attempt to Tip the Scales**

It's been two weeks since my speech in front of her apartment door. Two weeks and still no word from Spencer. I shouldn't really be surprised, but a part of me is still holding onto the hope that she'll come by, confessing her love for me. Then again, that could be wishful thinking on my part. I hear the noise coming from outside and I grab a pillow and place it over my head, trying to drown out the laughter and music.

"So, you're seriously going to just hide out in here?" I lift my head up from under the pillow and find Kyla standing in my doorway, her hands on her hips.

"Don't you have a party you should be hosting?"

She rolls her eyes and takes a seat at the foot of the bed. "Yes, the same one you should be enjoying."

I sigh. "You know I can't." I take a deep breath and sit up, my back against the headboard. "Spencer's out there."

"Yes she is." She runs a hand through her dark locks and turns around to face me completely. "You know, for someone who's trying to get her back, you're doing a pretty shitty job. Especially considering you're need to hide in this room, in all your pathetic glory."

"First off, I'm not pathetic." She quirks and eyebrow and gives me an 'are you kidding me' look. "I'm not! And second, I told her I'd give her space. I can't exactly do that if I'm out there."

She closes her eyes and sighs then pinches the bridge of her nose before opening her eyes again. "Look, you can't avoid her forever. And the last time I checked, you wanted to be friends right?" I bite my bottom lip before nodding. "Okay, then put some shoes on and get your ass out there."

I sigh and roll my eyes. "Fine, but if she gets pissed and starts yelling, I'm sending her to you."

"Yeah, yeah." She waves her hand in my direction as I get off the bed and put my shoes on.

I follow Kyla out and onto the beach. Instantly spotting Spencer, her blonde hair blowing lightly, her fingers brushing them back every few minutes. She's off in the distance talking to Glen with a smile on her face. I smile to myself.

"She's beautiful, isn't she?" The smile slides off my face as I turn around to find Stacey standing there, staring at Spencer. "Especially when she smiles, but then you already knew that." She says turning to face me.

I take a deep breath and release it slowly. "I'm just gonna go get a drink." I walk past her and toward the house. "Enjoy the party." I say over my shoulder.

"She's over you, you know?"

I sigh loudly and turn to face her. "Oh yeah? She tell you that?"

Stacey smirks before taking a few steps in my direction, she stops when she's standing directly in front of me. "She didn't have to." She takes one step closer and I can feel my anger rising. "You see, despite your little failed attempts, she's still with me."

I clench my jaw and take a step back. "Yeah, well, until I hear it from her, we have nothing to talk about."

She starts laughing and it only seems to fuel the anger building inside me. "Thing is, she keeps telling you, you just don't wanna hear it."

My hands ball into fists as a smug look appears on her face. "Hey Ash, why don't we go inside and get a drink?" Kyla says, obviously sensing the tension between Stacey and I and coming over to diffuse the situation. I let her drag me into the house and into the kitchen.

"Why didn't you tell me Stacey was here?" I ask turning to face Kyla and trying to calm myself down.

She shrugs and reaches for a drink. "I figured you wouldn't come out if you knew."

I let out a deep breath, knowing she's right. "You still should've told me."

"I know, but hey, you know now."

"Yeah after I got blindsided." I say a little loudly.

"Sorry."

I sigh and my eyes close. "It's fine…I'll just be in my room."

"Ash-"

"I'm coming back out. I just…need to calm down first." I say before turning and walking out of the kitchen and towards the bedroom. I take a deep breath and release it before pushing the door open and finding Spencer there, sitting on the bed.

"Hey."

"Uh…hi."

"What're you-"

"I saw you with Stacey." She says cutting me off.

"Yeah…" Leaves my lips quietly before I shut the door behind me.

I stand there for a few minutes, an awkward silence taking over. I roll my eyes and move away from the door and join her at the foot of the bed.

"I didn't see Kelly out there, did she not come?"

"We uh, we broke up actually."

"Oh." She says, staring down at her feet.

We sit there, the uncomfortable silence creeping up on us again. "Well, this is awkward." I say trying to lighten the mood.

She smiles and looks at me before returning her attention back to her feet. "Just a bit."

"So, how've you been." I look over at her, watching as she runs a hand through her blonde hair.

"Good, you?" She turns to look at me, her eyes boring into mine.

"I've been better."

She nods and gets up off the bed. "I'm gonna go." She says making her way to the door.

"You told her."

She stops right before reaching for the doorknob and turns to face me, a look of confusion on her face. "What?"

"Stacey, you told her." She looks down at her hands.

"Uh yeah…I, uh, told her everything." She sighs then continues. "Ego, Sunday dinner…everything."

I can't help the sad smile that crosses my face as she avoids eye contact. "I thought so."

"Yeah…" She scratches her head before finally looking at me. "I'm just gonna go."

I watch her walk out before laying back on the bed. I rub at my eyes for a few seconds before sighing and getting back up.

I walk out of the house and join everyone else out on the beach. I spot Spencer and Stacey without even trying. She's got her hand around Spencer's waist and she's whispering into her ear. I bite my lip, hoping to hold back my jealousy as Spencer laughs at whatever Stacey is saying.

"You know, the smart thing to do would be to stop looking."

I laugh lightly before looking up at Glen. "What can I say? I'm a masochist."

He takes a seat beside me and dusts the sand off his hands. "So, why are you over here all lonely and pathetic instead of with Spencer salting Stacey's game."

I smile and roll my eyes. "I told her I'd give her space."

"And you took that literally?"

A light chuckle escapes my lips. "Better safe then sorry right? Besides, I can't exactly kick Stacey's ass when I'm over here."

"Oh, then by all means please." He says, pushing me in their direction as I start to laugh.

"Hey guys."

We both look up to see Spencer and Stacey standing there looking down at us. "Hey, Spence." Glen says as I sit up.

"We just came over to say bye." She looks at Glen as she speaks, while Stacey has her eyes glued to me.

"Okay, I guess I'll see you at dinner tomorrow." He gets up and gives her a hug before sitting back down beside me.

"Alright, bye." She turns around, Stacey's arm on her shoulders as they begin to walk away.

"I'm the one for you." I don't realize I've spoken until the words leave my lips and I watch as Spencer and Stacey both stop. "I know that right now you're running scared, you're afraid to let me back in after how things turned out, and I understand that." I can feel Glen and Stacey's eyes burning into me, but I ignore them. I focus on the blonde that's yet to turn and face me. "I know that you need time. You need time to think it over and realize that I'm not gonna hurt you again. And if you have to spend that time with Stacey, then fine, I'm okay with that." I look over at Stacey, a mixture of shock and anger plastered on her face. "But one day, you're going to wake up and realize that she's not the one…that she never was. And on that day, I'll be here. I'll be waiting, because there's no doubt in my mind that that day will come. We're meant to be, Spencer."

I get up and walk in the direction of the house leaving, a shocked Spencer, angry Stacey, and smiling Glen behind me.


	10. Almost Goodbye

So, it's been a while. I really don't have any excuses...

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**Almost Goodbye  
**

I pick up the photograph sitting on the end table, my eyes immediately landing on Spencer. She's smiling, it isn't genuine, she's trying but I can see how fake it is. I linger there for a moment before my eyes land on my own face. I'm not even trying to smile. I just kind of look blank, my eyes empty. I put the photo back in its place before picking up the one beside it. Her smile is real in this second one.

"I didn't expect to see you tonight." I turn to face her as she comes to stand beside me. She takes the photo from my hands and looks down at it.

"It is Sunday dinner. I try not to miss those."

"Except when you're avoiding me." She bumps my shoulder lightly.

"I haven't been avoiding you, just…giving you your space."

She quirks her eyebrow. "Yeah, by avoiding me?"

I sigh. I know it's pointless to argue. "Okay, maybe a little."

She smirks before turning her attention on the photo in her hands "This was a fun day."

"I remember." I can't help smiling. "4th of July with the Carlins, definitely one for the record books."

"God, you ate so much. I thought you were gonna pop." She says laughing slightly.

"What can I say? Your dad's a great cook." I shrug.

"Yeah." She puts the photo down and looks at me.

I turn to face her completely. Our eyes meet and the air in the room changes. "So…" I think she senses the tension now surrounding us because the smile she was wearing is no longer there. "Are we gonna talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" She's stalling.

"You know what."

She looks down, a guilty expression all over her face. "Look, Ash, I…I can't." I nod my head slightly as she avoids my eyes. She's fiddling with her hands and I know she's nervous. "I care about you, a lot. I do and if you're willing, I'd love to try and be friends. But as far as a relationship goes…I just can't."

"Okay." I say it to the floor.

"Okay?" I know she's looking to me for confirmation.

I look up and meet her eyes. "I wasn't lying when I told you I'd be okay with just being friends." She nods, giving me a grateful smile. "But I also meant what I said." I think she expected this part, she's no longer looking at me. "We're meant to be Spence, I truly believe that. And if you can't see that right now, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere, I'll wait as long as it takes."

She sighs and picks up the other photo I had, only minutes before, been looking at myself. Her eyes move across the face of each person in the wedding party, eventually landing on mine. "You have no idea how much I wanted to hear you say that back then." She removes her eyes from the picture in her hands and looks at me for just a moment before returning them. "Even after everything, I…" She stops and takes a deep breath, I can only assume it helps to stop the tears from falling. "I just wanted you to hold me…and tell me you love me." She returns the photo back to its spot and finally looks at me. "I think it would've been enough." With that the tears fall.

I feel myself take a step towards her, watch as my hands move up to her face, cupping it, my thumbs wiping away the tears that are falling. She doesn't pull away, instead, she rests her forehead against mine. "I'm sorry." My thumbs are still moving against her skin, wiping away the now rapidly falling tears. "I'm sorry I didn't show you how important you are to me, that I didn't love you the way you needed me to, the way I should have." Her arms wrap around my waist and she's holding me tight. We're just standing there, holding onto one another, tears falling down both our cheeks, tears I hadn't noticed I'd begun crying. "You deserved better." I pull her in tighter, hoping she knows how much I mean what I just said.

She squeezes me one last time before pulling away. She doesn't move back, we're still so close together that it cause my breath to hitch. She rests her forehead against mine as her hand comes up to guide an errant curl behind my ear. She's looking me in the eyes and her gaze is intense. Then, she leans in, closing the miniscule distance between us. She kisses me, just lightly pressing her lips against my own, waiting for me to respond. It doesn't take long before my lips are pushing against hers, moving with hers. She brings her hand to the base of my neck, holding me in place as she deepens our kiss, her other hand gently squeezing my hip, as both of mine find purchase on her hips. She moves towards me as our tongues meet, pressing her body to mine. I'm losing myself in this kiss and as the first moan escapes her lips, I know she is too. We're not rushing, the kiss isn't hurried and desperate, it's slow, tantalizingly slow. When we pull apart, we're both breathing heavily. She moves her thumb to wipe across my bottom lip, her eyes following its journey before looking to me.

She's smiling, but it's a bitter one. "I probably shouldn't have done that."

I match her smile. "Probably not."

She leans in again, just lightly pecking me on the lips. "I just want you to know that I love you. I love you so much it scares me. You scare me…" She kisses me again, her eyes boring into my own. "You're dangerous territory Ash." Our lips meet again, lightly. "But Stacey's safe you know?" She hesitates before continuing. "Right now, I just need to feel safe." She takes a step back before breathing in deeply and releasing it slowly. She was the first to remove contact, she took her hand from the base of my neck and removed the other from my hip. She was the one to take the step back and leave the room. I was the one standing there watching her go.

Now I'm back at the beach house, staring down at the piano keys I have no desire to play, my thoughts consumed with the events that occurred earlier tonight. I'm not crying, not again, I don't think I have it in me, I know I don't have it in me. I'm just sitting here while my thoughts assault every vacant corner of my mind. I think of my regrets and hers, her smile, the way she would look at me with just the tilt of her head, the way my heart would, and still does, go crazy with her mere presence.

My fingers stroke over the keys, they don't press down, they don't elicit any sound. Deep down I know how fragile this room is. I know that any sound, no matter how melodic, would completely shatter everything here, including me. I can't handle being shattered right now. So, I sit in this empty room, free of emotion, of sound, and surrounded by silence. I like the silence, it's familiar, it's safe.

As the universe often does, it breaks through and drags me to reality. It shatters my illusions and forces me to face up to the world. And as the knocking gets louder, I can feel my imagined calm slipping away and the panic and fear returning. I hang my head for just a second before getting up from the piano bench that had held my form for the past few hours, I walk out of the room that was keeping me safe. I make my way through the beach house, from dangerous room to dangerous room, reliving all the moments Spencer and I had shared within these walls. The tears return before I reach the door, they returned the second I stepped out of my sanctuary, the moment I left safety they attacked my fragile being with no regard for how I would handle it.

The knocking continues as I reach my hand out to turn the handle. It doesn't stop even when I begin to pull the door back and, just for a second, I wonder if the knocking had been consistent as I traveled through the house, if the hand attacking my door could continue to bang against the wood without damage. These thoughts quickly leave my mind when I am met with blue eyes, when I see dripping wet blonde hair, caused by rain I didn't know had begun falling. Everything flies out the window as I see Spencer, her hair and clothes wet and clinging to her body, standing outside the door, her eyes staring straight into mine.


	11. Come Together

I'm just a horrible person...hopefully there are still some readers out there that still care about this story. All I can say for myself is that college keeps me busy. Sorry...here's hoping this helps with the forgiveness process.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch. It gets a little M rated...

Enjoy!

**Come Together  
**

It takes me a second to realize what's going on. My mind slowly catches up with the rest of my body as it dawns on me, as I react to the kiss Spencer initiated, as I register my back being pressed to the door frame and slender hands moving up my sides, as I feel needy kisses being planted along my neck and a hand making its way to the buttons of my jeans. And once the realization dawns on me, I get lost. I lose myself in the feel of our bodies being pressed together, in the lack of hesitation in her actions. I lose myself in absolutely everything that is Spencer.

She manages to slide her hand past the waistband of my jeans before I stop her. She pulls back from the kiss I stopped returning and looks at me. I take her hands in mine and move them away from my body.

"We're not doing this, Spencer."

She pulls her hands from mine. "Doing what?"

"This," I say gesturing between us. "This…little game. You win okay? I'm done."

She stares at me, a look of sadness on her face. "You're done?"

I take a deep breath. "Yeah, I am." It comes out a little more broken than I had intended.

She scoffs lightly. "So much for never giving up," she says before turning and walking out the door, not even attempting to shield herself from the onslaught of rain. I watch her for just a second before an anger I hadn't known was there boils over and explodes, sending me to chase after her.

I catch up to her before she has the chance to get too far from the house and spin her around to face me. "Don't, okay? You don't get to do that, you don't get to make me feel like shit right now. I've tried okay? All I've done this past month is try…and all you've done is-"

"Push you away." It comes out soft, barely even above a whisper.

And just like that, all the anger I had been feeling completely disappears. "Yeah."

She looks away from me, her eyes focusing on her car parked in the distance. I can still see the look of sadness on her face and I know it mirrors the one on mine. I notice that her lip is trembling and my mind seems to finally register that we're both standing out in the rain, getting soaked to the bone. "You know, I get…" I take in a deep breath, my body trembling as I do, another reminder that we're standing amidst the rain. "I get that this is hard for you and I know that I haven't made it any easier, but I'm not gonna keep playing this game with you Spence. You can't kiss me now and decide later that Stacey is what you want."

She looks at me, not saying or doing anything. I'm breathing a little heavier than I was and I can feel the weight of my wet clothes pulling me down. She's looking in my direction but not at me. I stand there staring at her, hoping that she'll say something, but she doesn't. It's like we're frozen in our own little world, everything seems to slow and quiet down as the seconds tick by us. More and more, I'm becoming aware of the ever present rain pelting down on us. It's silent, despite the chaos, it's still so silent. I release a sigh, it comes out defeated. I turn in the direction of the house and begin moving towards it, leaving Spencer behind me.

"She isn't." The words are quiet when they leave her lips but they stop me in my tracks and turn me to face her. She breathes out slowly and meets my gaze. "You were right…she isn't what I want, she never was." My heart rate picks up as she stares me head on, her gaze is intense.

"But." I lower my eyes just slightly as I wait for it. "I know one's coming."

She doesn't say anything, instead she takes a few steps toward me, eliminating the space between us and suddenly, the goose bumps on my skin have nothing to do with the weather we're standing in. "I want you." I smile as she moves closer.

She kisses me, standing out in the rain, the door to the beach house wide open. The kiss isn't rushed, it's not as needy as the one we shared earlier. It's tantalizingly slow. She brings her hand to the base of my neck, deepening our kiss, her other hand grabbing hold of my hip and pulling so much closer to her, our wet clothes brushing together as we completely forget everything but one another. I hear her moan as my hand moves up her back, over her skin, pulling her even closer. I pull away as oxygen quickly becomes an issue, when I do, Spencer assaults my neck.

I attempt to get myself under some semblance of control to speak. "I thought you needed to feel safe." The words escape between small pants as a result of the attention Spencer's paying to my neck.

She pulls away from my neck, but our bodies are still pressed together as the rain continues to beat down. "I need you more." And we're kissing again. She brings a hand up to the back of my neck, kissing me deeper.

I walk her back towards the house and we finally get out of the rain. Once we're inside, I press her against the wood door, it's a little rougher than I had intended but she doesn't complain, instead, she releases a moan. I trail open mouthed kisses from her jaw to her throat, her breaths are coming in deep and fast. Her hands are all over me. I run my hands up her sides, pulling her shirt up and over her head as I do. Her skin is cold and just the slightest bit wet from the rain outside, but she still feels soft and smooth under my fingertips. She pushes us off the door and inside the house, kicking the door shut behind us.

We burst through the bedroom door, the doorknob connecting with the wall roughly. We stop at the doorway momentarily distracted when she lightly nips at my ear causing my knees to go week. She takes charge then, walking me back towards the bed. My back hits the bed as she lightly pushes me down. I close my eyes, loving the sensation of having her hover over my body, she is so close to my body but we're not touching, not yet. I feel her moving down my body. She stops to pull up my shirt and presses wet kisses to my stomach, before pulling the garment over my head and moving around to unclasp my bra. She moves down my body again, this time, relieving me of the rest of my clothing. She moves up and initiates a deep kiss, her hands moving to my hips, pulling me closer. I moan, not being able to hold it back any longer and flip her over.

I look down at her, her eyes blazing into mine. She's topless, her bra having been discarded at some point during our journey to the bedroom. I lean down and trail hot kisses from her collar bone to the top of her breast, doing that on one side then repeating the action on the other side. I kiss my way down to her waist, moving across her ribs, licking and biting the skin beneath my lips. I repeat that on the other side before I move my way back up to her neck and then kissing her deep and slow. Her breathing is so much heavier. She begins moaning as I start kissing and biting her neck again. Then, shifting my weight from my hands to my knees, I undo the button of her jeans and, with her help, pull them off of her body. She spreads her legs as I find myself nestled between them. I begin to move with her meeting each and every thrust of my hips against hers.

I slowly run my hand from the base of her neck down to her chest , across her nipple, over her stomach, and onto her thigh before moving back up, repeating the process a few times, her body arching into my touch. I move my hand to the inside of her thigh, she's moving her hips attempting to make contact with the slow movements of my hand. I move to the waistband of her underwear, relieving her of the garment. We lie there for just a moment, just looking at one another, with her chest pressed flush against mine.

Her voice is low and husky as she whispers into my ear. "Please, Ash…" She kisses me again, this time softly. I have to hold back a moan of my own.

We enter each other at the same time, finding the perfect rhythm almost instantly. She feels amazing, as my fingers begin moving inside her. I lose myself as her fingers move inside me, my breaths coming out ragged. We're moving slow and deep, fast and rough, gentle and sweet. I can feel her getting tighter now, her moans becoming more frequent and her breathing uneven and ragged. I kiss her deeply as we swallow each other's moans.

I can feel it building inside me, we're working harder, faster. She's getting louder, we both are. She comes first, me not far behind. Our screams echoing off the walls.


End file.
